Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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