I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
