My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
