She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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