Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
