apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
