his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
