I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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