If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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