If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
