An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
