It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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