drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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