My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
