If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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