I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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