I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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