if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sorry about my life...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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