Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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