i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
