Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
