my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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