There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
