Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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