You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
