Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
