Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
