So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
