I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
