quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
