the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
