So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We left the knife in your bed.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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