Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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