I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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