I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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