Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
