I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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