he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
