I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
