I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
