chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
