And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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