I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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