So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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