Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
