If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
