So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
