Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
