dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
