Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just saw a hot homeless man
Please, let me fuck your mom
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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