some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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