it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize