Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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