Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
