Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
