Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm both gender and math confused
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
