at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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