I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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