when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
