She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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