I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
